“We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations.”—Anaïs Nin (via likealilikoi)
I’ve been thinking about this for a while: people who meet others online.
I’m more than happy to answer to questions on tumblr and have fun little conversations. However as soon as it takes that turn on Internet Ave. on to Real Life Lane, I run.
I run far far away.
Maybe it’s me. I don’t like to make new friends in real life. (The older I become, the more I realize everyone has an agenda. Even if it’s not clear at first, it’s there.)
Now someone is expecting me to jump from behind my Mac to have lunch with him or her. I personally think that’s odd. How do you know we would get along? How do you know I am not a psycho? An ax murderer? Or just a plain creep? What if I smell? Perhaps I’m balding? I might have bad breath? I may seem overly paranoid taking all of this into consideration.
But what if I end up on the six o’clock news! Or the front page of the Times!
That would be a horrible way to go: Girl Meets Internet Buddy Found Dead.
In addition to visualizing my horrific death if this were ever to occur. I’m also very picky with whom I socialize. I don’t like everyone, everyone doesn’t like me. It takes me time to warm up to people. I’m super awkward, quiet, and I assume everyone’s mentally picking at my flaws. So why would I willingly put myself in that situation.
Sometimes I just can’t relate with other people on Earth.
My goal for Lent is to stop frivolous spending. As of now it is a total epic fail. I work in retail. I see belts, jeans, purses, nail polish, sunglasses, all day long. I’m basically surrounded by my enemy. I’d have to gouge my eyes out to stop spending.
I just received my check and as tempted as I am to buy those beautiful desert boots from Banana. That are now magically forty percent off *sigh*, I won’t. I bent, twisted, and rationalized my way through Lent so far. If they’re there after Lent, that’s another story.
Although I’m happy to announce I’m spending less. I stopped buying lunch for work and started bringing lunch. When I do shop, I set a goal for what I want and how much I want to pay. I’ve also stopped adding on other items just because they’re on sale.
:-o You're mixed. <3 And you're an English major. Double <3. That's my ideal major being a writer and all. But I'm trying to expand my skills. What do you plan to do with English?
Kingsborough's in Manhattan Beach, Brooklyn. Beautiful area, horrible school.
And I'm learning about you through your blog. Like I just really took notice of you cause of something you reblogged of mine. I think, lol. All I've learned is that you're pretty (common-sense), intelligent, eloquent, and a few other things. OH! And you're Catholic, and giving up pointless spending for Lent too. :-) Keep me updated on that.
Then why aren’t you an English major. Teaching, but you can pretty much do anything with an English major surprisingly. People really hate to read and write, so they’ll hire other people to do it for them. lol
hmm…yeaa (begins serious google search)
Aw thanks. I really like your blog too. I’ve never read any of your stories though but I’m working on that. Oh yeaa that can be tagged under #epic fail. I keep spending. So I keep adding on days to make up for the days I failed. If I was really intelligent I’d would’ve picked something easy like soda or junk food.
Awesome... Washington Heights? You don't happen to be dominican, do you?
And that's what's up in terms of the transfer. I'd like to know, but it seems like I know you well enough for you to keep the surprise from me too, lol. I just transferred to Kingsborough this semester, but I should be done over there with an Associates in Broadcasting in the Fall semester. :-) What are you studying?
Oh God No! -____- Everyone thinks I am but I’m not, I even look dominican. I don’t think I ever posted a full picture of myself but I do. I’m actually half black and half white. The transfer is in progress. That’s all I can say, I can’t give away all my secrets. I’m an English and education major.
People, the very few who’ve read my blog, always say that they know me. I’m always interested in what they’ve discovered…
Where is Kingsborough? I should probably know this :/
lol, idk. Cali, Florida, anywhere but here... But you live in NY? That's awesome. Now I need to ask questions, like school and neighborhood and all that good stuff, lmao. I'm from Far Rock in Queens. :-)
And don't worry, I'm pretty boring myself if I'm not blogging, lol.
O man I must seem really cool on tumblr then. I wish I was from FL or CA, but only if I lived on the coast line.
Yup, born and raised. LOL!
I’m from Manhattan, Washington Heights. I’m in college. I used to go to Saint Peter’s College but I transfered out. I’m going to transfer to a new school in the fall. I’m sorta leaving it as a surprise for the people who know me.
Hey there Melissa! That's like the most popular girl name I know, lmao. And you shouldn't be ashamed. Be honored that other people enjoy what you do and who you are. I do. If only you lived in New York, then you'd be more awesome in my mind, lol. :-p
Really? I only know a few other Melissa’s. I need to find out where all these Melissa’s are hiding. lol
I just think I’m very uninteresting as a whole. I live a very normal life. Everything I do, a million other people do. School, work, friends, boys, money, shopping, eating, sleeping, tumblin’
I’m from New York. Where is it that you thought I was from?
I remember the first time I saw you. You filled up my head the whole day with nothing but thoughts of you. We got to know each other and began dating. I didn’t fully realize this till we were in our second try out. I acted stupid and put my concerns over yours. I acted selfish at times and never really gave you the attention you deserved. And I was unfair to myself, which bounced back on you. Nevertheless, I was happy with you. Every time I saw you, I felt good inside. You truly made me happy. Even when we would bicker and argue, I was still happy ‘cause I knew we were together and you would hold me down. How we ended wasn’t how it should have. There’s nothing I can do or say to be with you again, and I’m not looking for you to embrace and accept my apologetic message to you. However, if there were one thing I wished I could’ve done if giving the chance to, and that is to tell you how much I loved you.”
The first time I read this, I responded as a complete bitch. I couldn’t get past my bruised heart. I know it took a lot of strength to write this and send it to me (knowing exactly the type of person I am). I’m the definition of a pendulum. I’m one extreme or the other. I’m here or I’m there. I’m emotionally unstable or I’m emotionally void. It’s who I am and it sucks sometimes. I was cleaning up my blog when I reread his thoughts. I decided to respond to it with dignity.
This is from my first boyfriend. I was with him on and off again all through high school. I did so much for him; sacrificed so much. After we broke up I was emotionally devastated. My heart was strained. Never in my life had someone intentionally hurt me. It was a whole new experience for me.
Growing up I was more than loved and cherish. I was never teased, I was smart, well liked. I had a lot of friends. This small side not is just so you can understand what I mean by “intentionally hurt me”. I didn’t know what it felt like to get my heart broken by someone who was supposed to like me, supposedly love me.
After that experience my heart was so rough around the edges. I went on dates and talked to other people. No one resinated with me because I was consumed by inadequacy. What I could’ve done better? What did I do wrong? I felt guilty. Which seems crazy, if you know me in real life. This apology is important to me.
It validates that I wasn’t crazy. I did try, I tried damn hard. My sacrifices were never in vain. He knows I put my heart into the us, that was eventually just me. He knows I stood by him and supported him through every decision. Regardless of my own views. I never put me in front of we.
I try to be a better person when I’m in a relationship. I’m happy I succeeded.
“One of my favorite parts of relationships is touch. I love being able to touch someone. I know that everyones mind instantly went into the gutter but I don’t mean it like that. I mean it in the simplest way possible-holding hands, kissing, just being able to touch someone. The way your finger tips graze over their skin and you get to call them yours. Not in a greedy sense, by any means. Rather in the sense that they gave you that privilege. To know that, that person is yours. No one else has that gift from them, no one else has that trust from them. That’s what I love about having that sort of connection. That I can trace circles down your arm with my finger tips and know that no one else gets to do this. No one else share those simple affections with you. Those moments mean so much to me.”
It’s been raining all day here, from what I’ve been told and can hear from my window. I had to consecutive days off. Which means I haven’t been outside since Tuesday. I moved my bed closer to the window. The sound and smell of the rain was seducing me. There’s even a soft breeze to carry that refreshing rain smell all around my room. I would keep my bed here forever but it’s too close to my closet. It’s such a shame I’ll have to move it back in the morning.
Watching people online talk about sex is quite possibly the funniest thing ever. Every girl has a vagina similar to that of the Garden of Eden and every guy is the best any girl will ever have. No one ever cums early, every girl is perfectly lubricated and has A+ riding skills, guys will make sure you get yours first.
No wonder everyone is always so disappointed, lol. Hype kills.